As someone that caved last minute to getting hair and make up done (despite my protestations) and wearing something I thought was cool rather than made me feel good (however I was 3 months pregnant at the time so literally nothing felt good), I can tell you…the wedding industrial complex is real and makes you feel like in order to have a good wedding it has to be big and over the top, or at least expensive and glamourous. It doesn’t! Feel good about yourself! Trust your gut! You aren't doing it wrong!
Thank you, Jennifer, that is so encouraging to hear! It does weirdly suck you into thinking you have to spend ££££ on things you don't even really like so it's great to hear your perspective (also, thank you for your honesty!)
I went through the same thought process for makeup! Indian brides are expected to do a full face of glam and heavy makeup and that just isn't me. Although I don't mind wearing makeup, I much prefer the look of western brides (clean and fresh) rather than the full glam that you'd expect on a night going out. What helped me is paying for a few extra trials from different makeup artists. One makeup artist was lovely but her style was just a little too cakey for me. The second one I tried was perfect and I booked her for my wedding. It can feel silly to spend extra on trials but this is the face you're going to be presenting all day during your wedding and in pictures! It was worth it to me to spend extra on those trials to find the perfect artist for me.
It's hard to move away from what's expected, especially as you're on display so much as a bride, but I'm glad you went with what felt good for you. That's an interesting point about having a few different trials, I might try that!
100% this. So much societal pressure to meet expectations and of course everyone has their own idea of what that looks like. I always tell people to choose the path that feels most comfortable and that’s the way to make it more enjoyable - it doesn’t have to be an ordeal, or a parade, or what your aunty thinks a wedding should be or anything else that you can’t justify. I think there is also a pressure to try and make the day summarise and represent everything that you are as a person and/or couple which is frankly impossible and unrealistic. We grow, we change and that means the day can’t possibly be timeless or everything you love forever - you also can’t have every single thing you love in one day so you have to commit to bits of what you love and know that in 2 years that might look different but at the core is a day of seriousness and fun and all other things. This applies to what you wear, what you eat, how you celebrate… all of it really! Too much pressure from the world can make it exhausting and not fun. It sounds like you have all that in hand ✨
That's such a great point India. There is this idea of wanting your wedding to look completely timeless but no doubt my style and preferences will change as I age (I certainly don't dress the same way I did 15 years ago!) so adding that extra pressure is fruitless. So much of it feels like a huge production but I just want good food, good music, a dress I feel great in... and to marry my other half!
Hi Angharad, I'm really glad to hear that you are silencing those voices about what is expected of a bride. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you shouldn't be you. In fact all the more reason!! I absolutely loved the post on Kelsey Rose's Basque wedding!! It was so beautiful and true to the couple. If I was getting married again I would love to do it that way. Not that I didn't love my own wedding ( a hundred years ago!!), I totally did because, although it was not the "done" thing then, my husband and I had our own ideas and did it our way. I bought my dress one day on my own on a lunchtime break from work. No other opinions needed. Don't be swayed. ... it's your day, so do what you and your husband to be want most. xx
That's so lovely to hear Mhairi. I also bought and tried my dress on by myself, it gave me the chance to form my own opinion without the influence of other people's thoughts/reactions which, for me, was the best way to do it.
I could not agree more Angharad. You know yourself better than anyone and there's nothing worse than being swayed only to find that you don't feel like you. I have every confidence you will have made the right choice and will look beautiful on the day.
Kelsey I loved that post, it made me feel as if I was at the wedding! Great to see a couple doing it their own way and it all looked so lovely. I wish you and your husband the happiest of futures together.
I wore a midnight blue dress from farfetch with orange velvet alohas sandals at my wedding last year - felt totally amazing and nobody said anything but congratulations on wearing something so fabulous. And I still get to wear both 😍
That sounds so cool, having something you feel amazing in is the ultimate goal. I'm definitely keen to have pieces I can wear in some capacity again. It seems like such a waste otherwise!
I was married years ago and when I look at my wedding pictures I’m always happy to see that my makeup doesn’t look dated. I look like a fresh and happy younger me. The advice I received from the woman who did my makeup: to hydrate well starting months in advance and to use my favorite makeup. I’m forever grateful to that woman for helping me look like the best version of myself.
Using your favourite makeup is such great advice. I've been looking up wedding makeup and see so many products I wouldn't use normally, so I instantly know I'd end up looking completely different from usual. Why mess with what you already like!
Super agree on the hydration! I really invested in skincare the year before my wedding (hydration, regular maintenance, facials, etc) and my makeup artist was astounded at my skin. I had barely any face makeup on as a result (no foundation, which I hate anyways) and felt so glowy!!!
Yes! I’m getting married next spring. Oscillating between renting a designer dress (do I need to rent them all to try them on?!?) or buying from a small designer. I want to look great but I don’t care about looking “bridal”. I worry about the waste of not wearing a dress again but I rarely go to formal events anyway, so I guess I’ll just sell it afterwards?! So many thoughts! I’m also in my forties and every bridal image advertised to me looks styled for much younger, girlish women. Beautiful but just not me. Bridal shopping is just plain old weird 😆
Very weird! I love the idea of renting a dress but you're right, you'd probably have to rent a few and try them on and then rent "the one" again when it comes to wedding time. I went for a small designer. I know exactly where it was made, it was much cheaper than a "normal" wedding dress and it still feels special without feeling like I've just raided a dressing up box.
I got married in a grey dress that was from the wedding guest section. Didn’t get it hemmed because I got married during 2020 and everything was in lockdown. Wore heels for the ceremony and then took them off for the rest of the day. Flower crown in my hair, very minimal makeup, and a nice blow dry for my hair. Painted my nails and toes with sparkly glitter nail polish I loved as a kid. We had a tiny outdoor wedding in the mountains so the backdrop was stunning and removed the pressure for decorations. The day prioritized our values and style as a couple rather than family/societal expectations. Find a makeup artist who does simple makeup or do it yourself. I am slightly vain so I did spend two months taking very good care of my skin and sheet masking during the week leading up to my wedding day. Happiness and joy shines through naturally. I felt gorgeous, natural, and like myself.
That sounds absolutely beautiful Lee, thanks for sharing. I'm definitely leaning towards that route — going with what feels good for me and my partner rather than getting sucked into societal expectations that don't feel right.
I love this post, thank you. I am also getting married next summer and have been fixating on all the wedding details, but now coping with the why. I love all the bridal posts and wanting to make a statement with styles or beautiful brands that I would never buy, in terms of cost but worried the end product won't feel like me. I also don't wear makeup often so it feels strange to pay so much money for a MUA.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, Britt. I completely understand how conflicting it can be to choose between going all out (because chances are you won't have an occasion like this again) and doing something that feels more like "you". You've got time to mull it over. I'd say sit with it for a while and see what feels right!
I totally get this, I felt the same. I got married in my back garden and friends did everything from flowers to make up. My dress wasn't a wedding dress either. Make up wise; never use anything new. You won't feel like you. Only caveat to that is don't use a foundation/moisturiser with SPF in as it'll make you look pale in photos with the bounce back of light. The best is Armani - give it a go now, and see how you go. x
I LOVE the sound of your wedding, Anna. Great advice re makeup, I didn't know that about SPF! Does it have the same effect if you wear regular sun cream under foundation? Or best to avoid any kind of SPF altogether?
Angharad, this was the article I needed to read - as another in her bridal era (marrying my favorite person this November), it has been so difficult to grapple with the wedding expectations while staying true to myself. You articulated this so much better than me, but if you’re interested here’s what I wrote on this topic (which also references the fabulous Bianca!)
November, how exciting! Sending you huge amounts of good luck and congratulations (and sanity in the lead-up). It's been so great to hear from other brides who are going through the same feelings, I must admit I've wondered at times if I'm the odd one for not wanting an overly bridal look. Looking forward to seeing what dress you landed on!
It always helps to know we are not alone! And yes all the sanity is needed. It’s been an especially emotionally charged time for me because we are also rebuilding our home (no joke was destroyed in a tornado this may but c’est la vie). Thank you for bringing us modern brides together - can’t wait to see what you end up wearing too!
After seeing many of my friends looking everything but themselves on their wedding day, I decided to go my way. Luckily I had a clear image of how I wanted to look like. I even did my make up myself. 12 years after, I see my wedding pictures and still love the way I looked that day.
After photographing many weddings and seeing many brides live out their dream wedding days, know that it will be wonderful no matter what. You can wear your hair air dried, minimal makeup, with your beautiful wedding dress (that isn’t really a wedding dress) and it is going to be the most perfect day! I recently photographed a bride who made her own wedding dress because she couldnt find one she loved. She combined the elements of 3 different dresses and it was STUNNING. so excited to follow along and see the beautiful images!
I took the same approach and faced many of the same “should” pressures! Comparison is so tough and so is the continued increasing expectations of what to spend!
Sooo many "shoulds". I've often done my own thing when others have questioned it and it's all worked out. I think I need to take that route with the wedding too!
Wishing you a wonderful journey in planning this wedding, they can be so fun! If you are hiring a photographer/videographer to document the occasion, have a chat with them about what type of makeup you're comfortable wearing, and ask questions about how you might look in photos - a seasoned photographer would be able to answer those questions well. Or put on your preferred make-up look and just spend the day in it, and ask someone to take a few pix of you on their phones, and see how you feel about the result. It'll all help you feel more confident about your look on the day!
I had the most low-key wedding during the pandemic, when gathering sizes were highly restricted. I didn't want to wear any make-up, but on the day itself I felt I looked a bit tired, so I borrowed my sister's Westman Atelier blush stick and improvised. Then my sister, who was taking photos for the day, took some test shots of me, encouraged me to dab some of the blush stick on my lips, and that was it! I wore an old dress, and splurged on new shoes, nice flowers from a fancy florist, and a nice dinner from my favourite restaurant that was delivered to my flat (ah, pandemic times) for me, my partner, and our 4 guests. I enjoy a big wedding bash but I am glad mine was a reflection of my low-key, introvert self.
Your wedding sounds wonderful. I love the idea of something intimate but I have a huge family which would make things difficult! I also love the idea of taking some test shots in the makeup, that's great advice.
Happy to help.
Wow, Bobbi - thank you!! I've just DM'd you.
What an offer!!!
As someone that caved last minute to getting hair and make up done (despite my protestations) and wearing something I thought was cool rather than made me feel good (however I was 3 months pregnant at the time so literally nothing felt good), I can tell you…the wedding industrial complex is real and makes you feel like in order to have a good wedding it has to be big and over the top, or at least expensive and glamourous. It doesn’t! Feel good about yourself! Trust your gut! You aren't doing it wrong!
Thank you, Jennifer, that is so encouraging to hear! It does weirdly suck you into thinking you have to spend ££££ on things you don't even really like so it's great to hear your perspective (also, thank you for your honesty!)
I went through the same thought process for makeup! Indian brides are expected to do a full face of glam and heavy makeup and that just isn't me. Although I don't mind wearing makeup, I much prefer the look of western brides (clean and fresh) rather than the full glam that you'd expect on a night going out. What helped me is paying for a few extra trials from different makeup artists. One makeup artist was lovely but her style was just a little too cakey for me. The second one I tried was perfect and I booked her for my wedding. It can feel silly to spend extra on trials but this is the face you're going to be presenting all day during your wedding and in pictures! It was worth it to me to spend extra on those trials to find the perfect artist for me.
It's hard to move away from what's expected, especially as you're on display so much as a bride, but I'm glad you went with what felt good for you. That's an interesting point about having a few different trials, I might try that!
100% this. So much societal pressure to meet expectations and of course everyone has their own idea of what that looks like. I always tell people to choose the path that feels most comfortable and that’s the way to make it more enjoyable - it doesn’t have to be an ordeal, or a parade, or what your aunty thinks a wedding should be or anything else that you can’t justify. I think there is also a pressure to try and make the day summarise and represent everything that you are as a person and/or couple which is frankly impossible and unrealistic. We grow, we change and that means the day can’t possibly be timeless or everything you love forever - you also can’t have every single thing you love in one day so you have to commit to bits of what you love and know that in 2 years that might look different but at the core is a day of seriousness and fun and all other things. This applies to what you wear, what you eat, how you celebrate… all of it really! Too much pressure from the world can make it exhausting and not fun. It sounds like you have all that in hand ✨
That's such a great point India. There is this idea of wanting your wedding to look completely timeless but no doubt my style and preferences will change as I age (I certainly don't dress the same way I did 15 years ago!) so adding that extra pressure is fruitless. So much of it feels like a huge production but I just want good food, good music, a dress I feel great in... and to marry my other half!
Hi Angharad, I'm really glad to hear that you are silencing those voices about what is expected of a bride. Just because you're getting married doesn't mean you shouldn't be you. In fact all the more reason!! I absolutely loved the post on Kelsey Rose's Basque wedding!! It was so beautiful and true to the couple. If I was getting married again I would love to do it that way. Not that I didn't love my own wedding ( a hundred years ago!!), I totally did because, although it was not the "done" thing then, my husband and I had our own ideas and did it our way. I bought my dress one day on my own on a lunchtime break from work. No other opinions needed. Don't be swayed. ... it's your day, so do what you and your husband to be want most. xx
That's so lovely to hear Mhairi. I also bought and tried my dress on by myself, it gave me the chance to form my own opinion without the influence of other people's thoughts/reactions which, for me, was the best way to do it.
I could not agree more Angharad. You know yourself better than anyone and there's nothing worse than being swayed only to find that you don't feel like you. I have every confidence you will have made the right choice and will look beautiful on the day.
THANK YOU for taking the time to read my crazy long wedding post! It makes my sentimental heart grow even larger!
Kelsey I loved that post, it made me feel as if I was at the wedding! Great to see a couple doing it their own way and it all looked so lovely. I wish you and your husband the happiest of futures together.
THANK YOU! This is soooo sweet!! It was a blast and feels like it all happened in a dream!
I wore a midnight blue dress from farfetch with orange velvet alohas sandals at my wedding last year - felt totally amazing and nobody said anything but congratulations on wearing something so fabulous. And I still get to wear both 😍
That sounds so cool, having something you feel amazing in is the ultimate goal. I'm definitely keen to have pieces I can wear in some capacity again. It seems like such a waste otherwise!
I was married years ago and when I look at my wedding pictures I’m always happy to see that my makeup doesn’t look dated. I look like a fresh and happy younger me. The advice I received from the woman who did my makeup: to hydrate well starting months in advance and to use my favorite makeup. I’m forever grateful to that woman for helping me look like the best version of myself.
Using your favourite makeup is such great advice. I've been looking up wedding makeup and see so many products I wouldn't use normally, so I instantly know I'd end up looking completely different from usual. Why mess with what you already like!
Super agree on the hydration! I really invested in skincare the year before my wedding (hydration, regular maintenance, facials, etc) and my makeup artist was astounded at my skin. I had barely any face makeup on as a result (no foundation, which I hate anyways) and felt so glowy!!!
No foundation - the dream! I'm big into skincare too so I love that. I might just have found a good excuse to book in a few more facials...
Yes! I’m getting married next spring. Oscillating between renting a designer dress (do I need to rent them all to try them on?!?) or buying from a small designer. I want to look great but I don’t care about looking “bridal”. I worry about the waste of not wearing a dress again but I rarely go to formal events anyway, so I guess I’ll just sell it afterwards?! So many thoughts! I’m also in my forties and every bridal image advertised to me looks styled for much younger, girlish women. Beautiful but just not me. Bridal shopping is just plain old weird 😆
Very weird! I love the idea of renting a dress but you're right, you'd probably have to rent a few and try them on and then rent "the one" again when it comes to wedding time. I went for a small designer. I know exactly where it was made, it was much cheaper than a "normal" wedding dress and it still feels special without feeling like I've just raided a dressing up box.
I got married in a grey dress that was from the wedding guest section. Didn’t get it hemmed because I got married during 2020 and everything was in lockdown. Wore heels for the ceremony and then took them off for the rest of the day. Flower crown in my hair, very minimal makeup, and a nice blow dry for my hair. Painted my nails and toes with sparkly glitter nail polish I loved as a kid. We had a tiny outdoor wedding in the mountains so the backdrop was stunning and removed the pressure for decorations. The day prioritized our values and style as a couple rather than family/societal expectations. Find a makeup artist who does simple makeup or do it yourself. I am slightly vain so I did spend two months taking very good care of my skin and sheet masking during the week leading up to my wedding day. Happiness and joy shines through naturally. I felt gorgeous, natural, and like myself.
That sounds absolutely beautiful Lee, thanks for sharing. I'm definitely leaning towards that route — going with what feels good for me and my partner rather than getting sucked into societal expectations that don't feel right.
I love this post, thank you. I am also getting married next summer and have been fixating on all the wedding details, but now coping with the why. I love all the bridal posts and wanting to make a statement with styles or beautiful brands that I would never buy, in terms of cost but worried the end product won't feel like me. I also don't wear makeup often so it feels strange to pay so much money for a MUA.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, Britt. I completely understand how conflicting it can be to choose between going all out (because chances are you won't have an occasion like this again) and doing something that feels more like "you". You've got time to mull it over. I'd say sit with it for a while and see what feels right!
I totally get this, I felt the same. I got married in my back garden and friends did everything from flowers to make up. My dress wasn't a wedding dress either. Make up wise; never use anything new. You won't feel like you. Only caveat to that is don't use a foundation/moisturiser with SPF in as it'll make you look pale in photos with the bounce back of light. The best is Armani - give it a go now, and see how you go. x
I LOVE the sound of your wedding, Anna. Great advice re makeup, I didn't know that about SPF! Does it have the same effect if you wear regular sun cream under foundation? Or best to avoid any kind of SPF altogether?
Morning! I believe so yes - double check with a MUA but it was what mine told me xxx
Angharad, this was the article I needed to read - as another in her bridal era (marrying my favorite person this November), it has been so difficult to grapple with the wedding expectations while staying true to myself. You articulated this so much better than me, but if you’re interested here’s what I wrote on this topic (which also references the fabulous Bianca!)
https://open.substack.com/pub/totastebycarolinedallas/p/tips-for-special-occasion-dressing?r=2mrq82&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
November, how exciting! Sending you huge amounts of good luck and congratulations (and sanity in the lead-up). It's been so great to hear from other brides who are going through the same feelings, I must admit I've wondered at times if I'm the odd one for not wanting an overly bridal look. Looking forward to seeing what dress you landed on!
It always helps to know we are not alone! And yes all the sanity is needed. It’s been an especially emotionally charged time for me because we are also rebuilding our home (no joke was destroyed in a tornado this may but c’est la vie). Thank you for bringing us modern brides together - can’t wait to see what you end up wearing too!
After seeing many of my friends looking everything but themselves on their wedding day, I decided to go my way. Luckily I had a clear image of how I wanted to look like. I even did my make up myself. 12 years after, I see my wedding pictures and still love the way I looked that day.
Love that Eve, thank you for sharing!
After photographing many weddings and seeing many brides live out their dream wedding days, know that it will be wonderful no matter what. You can wear your hair air dried, minimal makeup, with your beautiful wedding dress (that isn’t really a wedding dress) and it is going to be the most perfect day! I recently photographed a bride who made her own wedding dress because she couldnt find one she loved. She combined the elements of 3 different dresses and it was STUNNING. so excited to follow along and see the beautiful images!
Wow, that sounds amazing (and that bride sounds very talented!) Thank you very much for your kind words, Carly.
I took the same approach and faced many of the same “should” pressures! Comparison is so tough and so is the continued increasing expectations of what to spend!
Also I did my own hair and makeup and I felt fairly good about it, but wish I’d gotten some better hair gel!
Sooo many "shoulds". I've often done my own thing when others have questioned it and it's all worked out. I think I need to take that route with the wedding too!
Wishing you a wonderful journey in planning this wedding, they can be so fun! If you are hiring a photographer/videographer to document the occasion, have a chat with them about what type of makeup you're comfortable wearing, and ask questions about how you might look in photos - a seasoned photographer would be able to answer those questions well. Or put on your preferred make-up look and just spend the day in it, and ask someone to take a few pix of you on their phones, and see how you feel about the result. It'll all help you feel more confident about your look on the day!
I had the most low-key wedding during the pandemic, when gathering sizes were highly restricted. I didn't want to wear any make-up, but on the day itself I felt I looked a bit tired, so I borrowed my sister's Westman Atelier blush stick and improvised. Then my sister, who was taking photos for the day, took some test shots of me, encouraged me to dab some of the blush stick on my lips, and that was it! I wore an old dress, and splurged on new shoes, nice flowers from a fancy florist, and a nice dinner from my favourite restaurant that was delivered to my flat (ah, pandemic times) for me, my partner, and our 4 guests. I enjoy a big wedding bash but I am glad mine was a reflection of my low-key, introvert self.
Your wedding sounds wonderful. I love the idea of something intimate but I have a huge family which would make things difficult! I also love the idea of taking some test shots in the makeup, that's great advice.